Are you swirling in grief? Hiding in it? Stuck in it?
Come to peace with what grief is, and how it works to help healing happen.
Where can you turn after the trauma and chaos fade a bit, and life starts to move ahead for “all the other people”?
Grief can be such a huge, uncomfortable part of life. If grief has found you, I’m so sorry, and I hope you will find a soft place to land here. I’d love to hear your story, about whatever kind of heartbreak you have experienced.
In the U.S., we live in a grief-avoidant and often grief-illiterate society. We may get a few days off for bereavement leave, and then we are expected to somehow return to work and life and be the same person we were before. But how? There are many well-wishers, platitudes, and lots of books, but how do we actually do grief “right?” Or do it “well?“
First, a few foundational concepts
Grief is human response to loss — the messy onslaught of mixed feelings, incessant thoughts, dilemmas, impossibilities, and questions that rarely subside or let us rest after a big loss. It is exhausting mentally, physically, and spiritually. As David Kessler says, “Our mind replays what our heart can’t delete.”
Mourning is taking those distressing thoughts and feelings, and moving through them — noticing them, feeling them, acknowledging them. This is what is truly missing from our current culture. Mourning is often done in a community that bears witness to our suffering and helps us not to be alone. Mourning is also your very personal journey, in quiet moments and maybe long nights. Mourning is the action we take, and what we DO with our grief, whether public or private.
Bereavement comes from an old word “reave” – to steal or plunder. If you are a bereaved person, you have had someone or something precious taken from you without your permission. You have been robbed, and often left desolate, wondering how to ever put the pieces back together. Bereavement is certainly not a 3-5 day process, as the workplace might suggest. Many cultures have had mourning and bereavement practices that encompass weeks, months, or even years with landmark remembrances.
The good news is that there is no one way to “do grief.”
Ahhh. Please take a deep breath here, and find some relief in that truth. We are learning that it’s important to mourn, and that there isn’t a “right way” to grieve — no timetable for grief to last, no predictable stages to move through with a checklist.
And more good news!
New research on the brain shows that regardless of our age or loss, our brain can form new neural pathways to re-channel our difficult experiences, thoughts and feelings. We can actually metabolize the chemicals and hormones that grief thoughts and emotions produce! We are wired to mourn with our mind, body and spirit together, and there can be incredible healing over time. Grief is not a disease — it is a condition that has been present in life through all times, and when we mourn, we can pour out the pain and make a place for the comfort and new thought patterns to come.
“The strength to move forward”
“After losing my husband, my mother, and my brother all within a few months, my whole world came crashing down! I was numb for nearly two years. Vicki was the one person that helped me identify my feelings, recognize them as valid, and then figure out what to do with those unfamiliar emotions. The techniques she taught allowed me to find, in myself, the strength to move forward, while giving space for the grief I needed to own and appreciate. Vicki taught me how to soothe my broken heart with ideas that helped me to see what I couldn’t understand or identify in my shattered world. She is a lifesaver!”
— Margie, grief group participant
Are you uncertain or uneasy about talking to a grief coach or counselor or attending a grief group?
I was too. I had a lot of amazing friends and family, and I figured we could do it better than someone who didn’t know my daughter or my dad or appreciate how huge my loss was. And there was some truth in that.
But 10 years later, as I attended a group for my clinical work, it blew my mind — and it took what I thought had been a pretty good grief recovery to a whole new level.
The support of others — family, friends, a coach, and even fellow bereaved persons — truly helps to integrate the pain and loss. There is rarely one big acceptance of your loss that occurs in a flash, but lots of little ah-ha’s and insights that come along the way. Compassionate others can often help you see better than you can on your own in grief. By hearing their stories, your own compassion gets activated, which then blesses you and everyone else.
Your grief needs to be witnessed. It is what has happened to you. There are messages in it about what is most important to you that can bring a lot of comfort. If it is ignored or stuffed, it will find ways to leak out or explode or will beg to be numbed. Acknowledging the magnitude of your pain and loss may sound daunting, but with mourning and intentional writing, talking, thinking, and hearing other people’s stories, it will begin to make more sense as you find your voice.
“Calm and comfort in the storm”
“I worked with Vicki after the tragic death of my daughter. This loss rocked my world, and Vicki was a voice of calm and comfort in that storm. She offered many nuggets of wisdom for me that I would reflect on each week. She was not only a soft place to land, but her sage counsel and gentle reflections helped me on my path to healing. Vicki connected me to resources I still draw from today. I am forever grateful for my connection with her. She is a remarkable coach and spiritual counselor and I give her my highest endorsement!”
— Janea, mom and chaplain
A NEW OPTION!
Join me for a 6-session individual grief process
My goal is to start organized grief groups in the near future. Until that happens, for a very limited time, I’m offering to walk you through a six-week Meet Your Grief experience on an individual, one-on-one basis, at an incredibly low price for private coaching. Or, If you want to share the experience with others you know, the cost could be divided by all, up to six people. That would be a great deal, especially with all the resources you will be able to access.
6-Week Meet Your Grief
One-on-one, or invite others to share | Price: $97 (Less than $17 per session, for one-on-one private sessions!
Includes:
Weekly 1-hour Zoom meeting at a time that works for you
6 topics include:
Your Own Grief Journey
How Grief Affects Thoughts and Feelings
Coping as you Grieve
Being Present with your Grief
Relationship Challenges/Communication
Finding Your Way
Homework for each session
Writing prompts
Inspirational quotes, music, poetry, thoughts
Creating your own memorials and rituals for special occasions
Closing ritual and mementos
To sign up for this course, set up a free discovery call today.
If you’d like to join the waiting list for future grief groups, enter your email address below.
Other options for understanding and being intentional with your grief
If you would prefer a less structured approach, one to one personal grief coaching is available through A Fresh View Coaching. These sessions will be custom designed to you and your loss, depending on your own story and what is happening daily in your life.
What could one to one grief coaching do for you?
Give you a chance to sort and talk about what has happened
Help you craft your own personal ways to mourn your deep loss
Let you zoom out and examine the recurring thoughts and feelings that don’t seem to rest
Help you understand why so many of your relationships are changing
Offer support as you embrace your own identity again and turn toward healing
Provide a place to ask hard questions to God or the universe
Provide inspiration and comfort in music, art, creativity, poetry, scripture or what matters most to you
Help you work through feelings of guilt
